Bullying : Helping your child get through a tough time

So this week, I had all sorts of posts in mind for my blog.  But I really didn’t expect to be writing one on bullying and the effect it has on a family.

13 Reasons Why?

I think most people have been watching 13 Reasons Why on Netflix – its on the list of TV programs to watch in my Bullet Journal, but I just haven’t had the chance yet.  I think actually its probably a god job I haven’t.

One particular child, for whatever reason just did not like Ewan – because of this he bullied Ewan a lot.  There were too many occasions to mention.  We went into school to try to deal with it ………..a lot!!! To be honest his school totally let him down and didn’t care about him.  For some reason they seemed to think it was something he was doing. They watched him, trying to blame him in some way. For some bizarre reason, we kept him at the school for 4 years – Reception through to the end of Year 3.  This is something I think I will regret all of my life.  Ewan comfort ate (and still does now – its become a part of him) and fell behind in his levels.

I think its hard as you never know if you are doing the right thing, but I can totally say, changing his school was the best thing we did.  His new school worked hard on his confidence and self esteem.  They worked hard on his levels, he took part in sport, made friends, and he was once again happy.

Secondary School

As Tom was already at a secondary school, we decided it made sense to send him to the same one.  A lot of his friends went up to a different school and we still do not know if choosing this one was a mistake. The bully wasn’t going and that made us happy.

Ewan has had issues since he first started there.  We couldn’t quite believe that it was happening again – was lightening really striking in the same place twice?  Inside a few weeks there was a long list of issues.  We tried not to label it as bullying as we thought it was just a few problems whilst he settled in.  We did email and ring school, but to be honest it was similar to the primary school.  His form teacher tried to blame him for a lot of it, the other teachers simply didn’t come back to us.  Until this week.

His blazer and tie had to be washed at school. When they rang they told me just that – nothing more.  When I phoned his dad he wasn’t happy so rang school to book an appointment to see the head for the next day.  I am so glad he did.

 

Children are cruel

When both Ewan and Tom told me what happened I cried.  It is heart-breaking.  The bullies pinned him up against a fence, pelted with food and drink by a majority of his school year. His tie ended up in the bin. I still can’t think about it without getting upset.  Can you imagine how he would have felt?  and how we felt as parents knowing that this place where we sent him, where he should feel safe, allowed this to happen.  To make matters worse a dinner lady stood by and watched.  For the life of me I cannot fathom how an adult could stand by and watch without intervening.  She only did intervene when Ewan tried to defend himself and managed to shove one of the boys onto the floor; and I think that was to punish him!

I spent the night crying, and not really sleeping. He said why is it always me – that makes me feel so sad……

A Solution or will it make it worse?

The next day we went to school.  This time we were not seeing a head teacher who was going to lie, his head teacher has said all of the right things.  She apologised and admitted that they let him down.  We have said that Ewan will only go back when he is ready.  At the moment he has been set right back, he is not himself and he is very sad.

The school have a room, where they have staff trained for anxiety etc, and they want him to use it to feel safe – but will the bullies just take the mickey and call him “special”?  Do we follow our gut feeling and pull him out, or do we try to make it work.

If he has no friends may be a fresh start would be better?  Do you think he has a reputation now that he will never lose with those kids? I’m hoping that my relationship with him is strong enough that he will tell me if he can’t cope or if things are worse.  But then 13 Reasons is also on the forefront of my mind…..I know the plotline, which is the reason I think it’s a good job I haven’t watched it yet.

Anti Bullying Advice

I don’t feel as though I am the right person to give advice; it all feels too fresh and certainly not over for us yet.  But there is a good website here called Bullying UK – so I would try their advice.

One piece of advice on there that surprised me was the following “Never tell your child to hit or shout names back,” says Sandra Hiller. “It simply doesn’t solve the problem and, if your child is under-confident (and most bullied children are) then it just adds to their stress and anxiety.”

We have definitely told Ewan to fight back before, I never would have thought it could add to his stress….Ewan is a strong lad and we thought that they may back off if he fought back a bit.

Anyway, the main thing at the moment is showing Ewan lots of love and making sure he knows that it is simply not acceptable for someone to treat him like he has been treated.

Let me know in the comments of any experience you have of helping a child through bullying, would love to hear about any suggestions of how we can help him.