The struggle is real….time for a rethink

This is probably going to be a longish post – I am not doing it for sympathy or advice.  I just want to put down how I am feeling about my weight, how I look and my diet.

Where do I start…..I don’t know why this post is making me feel uncomfortable to write.  I don’t know if its embarrassment at my “failure” or acknowledgement that I do not have a healthy attitude to food.  In any case, I have been thinking about writing this post for a long time; the time is finally here!

Back to the start

When I was little I was probably fairly average, I did have a big tummy as a toddler, but we were active enough. If I look back at photos I looked fine. Back then, we all spent loads of time in the garden; mainly playing ball against the wall and were often seen on our bikes riding around our close. This was the 70’s – there was no such thing as having 5 a day in our house.

We would enjoy Cauliflower cheese (still a favourite of mine) homemade meat and potato pie (using tinned potatoes!), Callie (not sure how you spell it but basically it was a pile of mashed potato, with cheese or cheese and raw onion) or corned beef out of a tin with mash.  We would have a massive roast dinner on a Sunday and we were always told to eat it all.  Sunday was also the day when either my mum, me or my sisters baked cakes.  We would have fruit cocktail from a tin with dream topping and our homemade cakes.

I am not in anyway saying the issues I have with both my weight and self-esteem have anything to do with my family (although my Dad could be a little tactless about comments regarding weight – he just didn’t realise how much a comment can affect you).

Teenage years

As a teenager, I was relatively happy with my weight until I started trying to wear jeans and this coincided with when I also started buying Just Seventeen and Smash Hits; pictures of pop stars who were beautiful and also skinny.  I decided probably at the age of 15 to just eat white rice for a whole summer.  In addition to this I decided to follow an exercise video – a really hard work out video and exercises out of a Jane Fonda book.  I am convinced the white rice diet was probably what wrecked my metabolism.  I did lose weight, but it certainly wasn’t a healthy way to go about it.  In fact, the only reason I started eating normally again was that I got bribed by my parents as there was a trip that I wanted to go on.

My Wedding

When I started work soon after leaving school I started eating more again.  There was a butcher near my work that did beautiful fresh filled cobs so I had either that with a homemade scotch egg (and anyone that knows me, knows I am a sucker for a nice scotch egg) or a Sainsbury’s meal deal.  Whilst none of those are really bad, I seemed to just pile weight on.  So much so that before I got married I joined Weightwatchers.

This was back in the times where you had a black folder and had to count carbs, protein, fruit, vegetables etc all separately.  It was a tough diet but I did reach my lowest weight as an adult – 9 stone and was roughly a size 12.  For my height, I think I should be about 8.5 stone, but to be honest that just would not be realistic for me.

Anyway, I stopped WeightWatchers after my honeymoon, and gradually my weight went back up again.  I have spent years yo-yo dieting from one fad diet to another.  I would say that I have been unhappy with my weight and how I look for most of my adult life.

Diet Classes. the good the bad and the not so good

Over the years I have joined Slimming World and Weightwatchers multiple times.  On most occasions, the diets worked for a while, but there were always reasons why I stopped dieting, ranging from budget (as I didn’t want the expense of £5 per week) to boredom with the diet; to just not being focused.  I am not saying that either of these diets are bad – they work for a lot of people, and if that helps with world obesity statistics that can only be a good thing. In fact this post is not an AD or sponsored but I have linked the sites to the names – check them out if you think that the support will help you on your journey.

I had a mixture of really good leaders to really bad ones.  One leader had aspirations of being the next X Factor winner! She kept singing in the group and then trying to flog her CD’s to everyone.  Then there were the numerous leaders who looked like they still needed to lose weight themselves, not inspiring at all.

One of the more recent ones was ok (a little bit like a dirty old man, but I liked the group) but my youngest was going to group with me and one particular week he really didn’t want to go, as he knew he had gained weight. The leader was on the scales this particular week and he turned around to him and he said: “who ate all the pies”!!  Needless to say, that was one of the last times we went to that group.

My weight – then and now

About 2 years ago, I was the lowest weight I have been for a while. My confidence improved and my running improved.  The lighter I was, the better my hips worked and I didn’t have so many aches and pains.

Then I got injured whilst running, and I stopped dieting.  2 years on and all of my weight is back on!

I can’t actually tell you how I feel right now.  I seem to swing between being reconciled with being overweight, so over the constraints of dieting and the next so depressed as I have nothing that fits and hating how I look.  My confidence is at an all-time low, I know I should lose the weight as I am back with such pain in my hips, and it affects my social life as I don’t really want to go out.

I have a few weddings to go to this year and I am scared that if I do not lose some weight, I will not want to go at all.  Joining another slimming group is not an option at the moment. I have toyed with the idea but to be honest I can’t really afford it right now so I need to do this alone, I am also not sure that I am focused on their diets for it to work.

Next steps

I am going to set up pages in my bullet journal, to count good days. Also I’m not dieting anymore. I am going to have smaller portions, cut out snacks and I am going to try to increase my activity.  Here is my plan

• Cooking from scratch. When I lost a lot of weight before I made at least 80% of my food from scratch
• Smaller portions – I think I have gotten into the habit of eating too much
• Reduce the sugar I eat and also cut out diet foods so I do not have artificial sweetener
• Log what I eat – if I write it down I have to face up to what I am eating.  That means logging it even on a bad day
• More sleep – I am very guilty of burning the candles at both ends.  Going to bed earlier means I won’t be tempted to snack.  There is also evidence to suggest that sleep helps you to lose weight
• Increase my activity – either hit my step target by walking Luna more or visit the gym
• Make more time for me; I am so busy with work or the family that I do not make enough time for myself.  If this is to work that needs to change

This post doesn’t have as many pics as most of my posts. I am just so unhappy with how I look at the moment.

Wish me luck

Julie xx